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(no subject)  
11:59am 03/01/2010
i would I could make some time. I wish I could save some time.

But i am no miracle worker, not at all
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(no subject)  
01:14am 28/12/2009
i think i'm certifiably insane

that's all
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(no subject)  
10:16am 15/12/2009
i've been composing a bit,
namely a series of songs
and namely a prelude and rhapsody in f# for the piano. I can't believe it. I feel like an actual composer!

Its driving me nuts, though. I feel overwhelmed with feelings I haven't felt in awhile, namely with the rhapsody. Its not supposed to feel like this, is it?

I am overcome!
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(no subject)  
07:32am 02/12/2009
there is no single way of expressing how I feel anymore.

so i won't, nor will I try. I merely am. I am no more and no less.

"When a cell achieves equilibrium in osmosis, the cell does not excrete nor receive the vital water it needs to survive and thus dies."
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(no subject)  
12:20pm 28/11/2009
i am discovering just how old I really am.

c'est la vie
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(no subject)  
02:18pm 13/10/2009
so I was wondering...

when did everything change? when did PEOPLE change...

its so hard to think about all that's happened over the last four years. I pondered this this evening, whilst looking through stacks of CD's at the library. It crossed my mind, actually at exactly the moment I found a recording of the Brahm's 2nd Symphony as done by the Berlin Philharmonic. The thought crept up, quietly saying "you would have never thought to have been here 4 years ago". Shaking off the chill down my spine, I pondered the tiny notion for no longer than a minute and came to the conclusion that, although ridiculous, we never get anywhere we mean to. 4 years ago, I knew exactly where I was going and how I was going to do it and when exactly I would get there. Now, having lost the naivety of a younger self, I realize that I got to where I am through entirely different means and at a totally different time then I originally thought.

And most things are like that, too. I can't say I've ever been the best friend in the world, nor have I ever been the best boyfriend but I can say with a certain integrity that I've kept up some pretty upstanding morals. I am not a perfect man, nor a perfect teacher nor a perfect musician but my passion is what drives me and gets me through what I've been doing the last couple years. It is that same motivation that drives me into whatever I'm getting into after college.

I regret much, and forgive myself for even fewer than that, but I know life cannot impede itself and that, though times may fight me I have to carry on with the weight of what I've done with me. That being said, here's to life, then! To friends and family and kinship for all mankind! May we always breathe free air and drink clean water! May our souls be basked in the eternal fountain of jubilation! May music be our vessel to paradise, and our carrier into lofty dreams!
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can't sleep, I find myself posting!  
12:57am 25/08/2009
Leave it all to chance
or not?

It is, perhaps, better to leave things to their natural order. The way of life will surely prevail, should all other variables fall completely free.

but what is the natural order? perhaps the natural progression of things, beyond maturity, is toward an end. For every alpha, an omega. For every life, a death.

But, in knowing this, we free ourselves from the constraints of consequence. Since all things end in the same manner, our actions and decisions have no greater effect than that of any other thing on this planet. Perhaps, at times, we accelerate this process but otherwise we have no great influence on anything.

When all things become of equal value, all things have great value (or no value). This is the liberating construct of life. This is what makes life worth living and death worth dieing. This is what creates value and creates consequence. Because consequence has value because all consequences have all values. (or, in its inverse, all consequences have all non-values).
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life beckons!  
03:21pm 17/08/2009
after a long weekend of work and an even longer day today, I've resigned myself to accomplish several things:

1) cut ties to all things that are leaching on me. like a cancer, certain influences must be eliminated from one's life in order to achieve well-mindedness and to keep clear thought.

2) Buddhism teaches a road that turns man away from desires, the root of all misery in this life. Perhaps by eliminating the desires in my life i can also achieve a greater happiness. Restricting myself to a regular diet is one way, but also eliminating accesses that I partake in regularly has been a goal I've achieved recently. But also freeing myself from worldly desires, and the pleasures of the flesh, will certainly grant me greater peace within myself.

3) quit whining about all the above so often. I was formerly mistaken about how weak I am. I've found out, through careful observation and comparison, that I am capable of much more than many people around me and I would be doing myself and these others a disservice by not achieving all that I can. which brings me to another point...

4) I really want my doctorate in music. I feel that I have not only the potential, but also the brains to do this. I really want to teach public school and be involved in young kid's educations, but I know in my heart that academia is my life and, ultimately, the end of my career. Getting said doctorate would open up so many doors and avenues for my life and would provide a more stable (and better off) situation for when I raise a family. I have yet to decide how I'll approach this, but I want it now and that's half the battle.

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(no subject)  
10:40am 11/08/2009
what a summer its been. crazy, fun, illuminating, and slightly disturbing. I guess that when all is said and done, I really found out some more about myself and about some people I had lost touch with and discovered even more about what I want and what other people want of me.

And I can't say everyone wants the best.

After spending an amazing half-weekend in Boston with Emily this past weekend, I've come to two conclusions.
1) I work way too hard not to give myself a longer vacation
2) I know who really cares about me and who wants to put time in with me

I've come to understand that a lot of the friendships I've made in CT have been very self-serving, but not necessarily to my benefit. The people I know around here...they leach, they lie, they steal. They need comfort from someone stronger than themselves and apparently I serve to that purpose for a lot of people. Strange? Yes.

And it was only after spending an amazing day with Emily that I remembered what it felt like to be loved after 8 long weeks of going without it. She fills my day with so much joy, I could explode! I missed her more than I even knew and our time together, though brief, was a fond reminder of our love and commitment to one another. I can't wait to see her again, this time at a place we both love and cherish.
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(no subject)  
12:01am 03/07/2009
i'm incredibly frustrated right now. Not that I can really change anything that's causing all of this.

though, in truth, that's the most frustrating part of it all: I can't control it and I still have to deal with it and recover. I thought next year was already planned out and ready to go.

now, rather than having it all set to rock, I have to reschedule, replan and find some new housing situations.

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